Moral Dillema

I had to write an opinion paper on a book I read in class. It is a very sensitive issue to some people and can really hurt a professional and personal relationship if not handled carefully. Normally this is not a problem, we all learn how to play the game and use our mental filters. However, I have gotten to know this teacher and have a lot of respect for him and his opinions.....my opinions may not necessarily match up with his on this paper. I know it is "just school" and "just a paper" but for those of you who know me well, nothing is "just...anything" I'm concerned about turning in my opinion paper and possibly offending this teacher. Normally I would just write a bullshit paper and hand it in to avoid the conflict, but as I have told him, he is different than normal teachers. A part of me feels that if I turn in a bullshit paper, it is disrespectful to him and the rapport we have built. He deserves more than a bullshit paper, he deserves the truth. But do I risk the relationship since it is "only a school paper"? So, I wrote two papers. I haven't decided which one I'm going to turn in yet.

Mid-Life Crisis Narrowly Averted...Again.

I should start with explaining "again". a few months ago I was trying to decide which direction to go with school. What would be the best choice for future careers and such. I sent my parents a video of me performing a song translated to ASL (this was a school assignment) My mother replied to the video with much more expression than she usually shows (I'm a VERY expressive person) She said that she now knew that I was born to be an ASL interpreter and that I should look into how to get certified. I like signing. I like working with people, I love teaching and explaining things, so it wasn't a bad idea. It wasn't necessarily a NEW idea to me either, I had considered (briefly) becoming an interpreter, and I knew I would enjoy it. however, that would be a totally different path (school and life-wise) than the one I am currently on. TOTALLY different. For those of you who don't know, I am studying Emergency Management. I was at a fork in the road and was having a really hard time deciding which path to take. My parents came to visit and we talked a lot (well, I talked a lot) and they helped me figure it out.

Soooooo.......I stayed on the path of Emergency Management.

I needed another quarter of ASL for pre-reqs to be a transfer student at a university, so I am currently taking ASL 4 at Seattle Central Community College. (AWESOME SCHOOL! My other classes are through Pierce) My teacher is really charismatic (and hilarious) and his teaching style works really well for me. I've only been in class for two weeks and I've learned so much. I have been really enjoying class and even enjoying the studying. (I'm even going to an ALL SILENT ASL weekend over my birthday weekend!) All this fun and learning made me think "why did I not want to become an interpreter?". I started kind of freaking out again, worried I was making the wrong decision...and then I watched TV. bear with me, there is a good explanation.

Kadin and I were watching a new show called "Stan Lee's Superhumans". A comic book legend now looking for people in the world that have the REAL characteristics of the characters he created. It's a neat show profiling people who can do incredible things. One of the segments was on a man named Patrick Musimu. He holds the world record for breath-hold deep sea diving. It was really amazing! without O2, he went down to a depth of like 685 feet. He actually fills his sinus cavities with water to equalize the pressure so his body can handle the depth. He held his breath during the dive for about 8 and 1/2 minutes. Talk about anaerobic. I turned to Kadin and of course blurted the first thing that came to mind, it was something like "Honey! That's almost awful! The standard that we think of for being without O2 is only 5 minutes! after 5 minutes, you are thinking about a serious chance of brain damage from lack of Oxygen. If you were responding to him in an emergency, he would set a different standard. I know 'they aren't dead until they are warm and dead' and hypothermic patients have gone longer without Oxygen and not had brain damage, but he's warm, and what I noticed most is that his body didn't even seem stressed when he came up. There was no big breath, no gasping, no shaking, nothing. He spoke in complete sentences and even seemed relaxed. how many patients do you think have been given up on based on standards, that could have been like him? If there are more people who's bodies can do crazy stuff like that it really could change medical standards. Think of coming on scene to a near-drowning. someone asks 'how long has he been under' the response is '8 minutes' a part of you thinks 'damn, he might be kinda screwed' but in his case it is more like 'eh, we wont start to worry about his anaerobic state for another few minutes, this isn't long for him.'

okay, so it looks a lot longer when I type it.

Kadin (who is very patient with me and used to my extremely random thought process) just listened and said, "yeah". when I realized he was not thinking the same thing, I remembered why I'm studying Emergency Management.

When I went to the fair, I got some cotton candy. While I was eating it, I wasn't thinking about childhood fun, or how it tasted. I thought "hmmm....this dissolves really quickly, it is really light weight, and you can pack it down to  nothing. I wonder if it would be good in a backpacking first aid kit." Ya know, diabetic emergency, quick dissolving sugar. I ended up deciding that the cake frosting tube I have in my first aid kit was better, but that is what I was thinking while eating cotton candy.

The other night I was up late (2am or so). I was flipping through channels on TV. We have cable and netflix on the XBOX so I am never lacking for something interesting to watch. During the commercial the TV got EXTRA loud and Kadin woke up. I turned the TV down and he asked me what I was watching.....

I was watching the pre-recorded Pierce County Committee on Emergency Management committee meeting. That's right....someone standing at a podium in a public building reading off reports and statistics. "I motion...I second....yea, nay"...budget appropriations....y.e.a.h. The kinda sad part is that I was actually really interested (they were discussing a new curriculum and plan to teach kids preparedness.) Right, in my free time, that is what I chose to watch.

A job as an interpreter is a smart decision, a safe decision. Great pay, flexible hours, interactive, stable, fun.

A job in emergency management...a little risky. CRAZY long hours (especially during emergencies) sometimes a lot of travel (not the vacation kind), a job not always in demand. Also, I don't know what I will be able to do physically or mentally in the future with my disability. I may not even be able to work full-time, soooo not the smartest or safest career decision of the two.

But, I'm reminded again, by the random way I think, why I study Emergency Management. When I walk into a classroom crowded with desks and chairs I look around at everyone and take notes on injuries, size, etc. (hazards and resources) and I try to figure out what the best way to evac. everyone will be since the desks are all in the way. WHO ELSE THINKS LIKE THAT?! SERIOUSLY!

so as I look for a good book to reread on my bookshelf and all of my choices have to do with Emergency Management, Search and Rescue, First Aid, Preparedness Education, Survival, and FEMA's National Response Plan, my anxiety slips away, I take a deep breath, and avert the mid-life crisis once again.

I'm on this path because I love it, I'm good at it, I'm passionate about it, and DAMN it is interesting!

Remembering 9/11 a good place to start...

Kadin has told me I should start writing again...it will help me process things. I have been hesitant to start because, as Anna Nalick so perfectly sang, "these words are my diaries screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to..." But today, I can't help but try to express what I am feeling. So my beginning is here, with September 11.

I know it has been many years, and some people are tired of hearing about it and talking about it. But for some of us, the memories are still crystal clear and hold more meaning than just "a terrorist attack".

If you have ever worked in emergency services, in any way, I'm preaching to the choir. Fire Fighters, EMT's, Law Enforcement, Emergency Management, Search and Rescue, the list goes on.

You have heard before that being a part of an EMS system is like a "brotherhood". I'm a woman who stands for equal opportunity, but there really IS NOT another word I can use that affectively catches the entire meaning. (sorry Mom)

It is more than family...family is not always there. Families become estranged. in EMS you don't have to like everyone or always agree, but there is a non-spoken rule of mutual respect. You will give your life for that person and you know they would give their life for you. There is more than loyalty, there is a strong connection that I can only describe as "brotherhood" A trust, an understanding. We have seen the very worst in people, and the very best in people, and still make the commitment to run into collapsing buildings for people we have never met.
Losing a family member is very hard...
Losing someone from the "brotherhood", even someone you've never met, is devastating in a way that you will never understand unless you have been in it.

Every year at this time, my husband watches me mourn. He tries to be sympathetic and understanding, but he and I both know he does not entirely understand why it still hits me so hard. He's heard many stories about the crazy situations and experiences I've had in EMS. He is always amazed by the stories, but he has never put his life into someone else's hands or had to keep the scum of the earth alive to make it to a hospital.

Where were you when the towers were hit? What was your first thought? For most people, they remember exactly where they were and what they were doing. Everyone was devastated at the attack and the loss of life. A friend told me later that her first thought was that she wished it was not real. Then she was sad about the people jumping out of windows. She couldn't turn her T.V. off, but she didn't want to see it anymore either.

My first thought, within seconds of watching, was "okay, get packed and get there. NOW." As the second tower collapsed right after more EMS workers went in, my heart stopped. Just for a moment I froze in the realization that my brothers (and sisters) needed me. I didn't think about it being unsafe and too many lives had already be lost, don't put yourself in harms way. (to my Emergency Response Students: I know I teach in my class not to go in if it is not safe, and 1 dead body is better than 2. I'm sorry for the hypocrisy) I thought "they are even more short staffed now, I can't let them do this alone."

After all these years the heartbreak is still there. Painfully clear.
I don't blame any of them for running into the building. They not only did their jobs, but they did so without hesitation. They saw there were still people that needed help, and they were willing to die to try and get to them. My blame, my anger, goes towards those people that have tainted the reputations and memories of those heroes. I don't care about your conspiracy theories and your opinions on Darwinism, these people would have survived longer than any of you in a world of Darwinism. They might have just kept your ass alive too. I don't care if you think aliens attacked us. When the world stopped turning, those heroes picked up the pace and worked to help as many people as possible, and to take away from that fact with stupid theories and conspiracies is unforgivable.

On September 11, 2001 every person who has worked in EMS felt a terrible loss, a piece of them died. you may not understand, but try to respect that loss.
Honor those around you who give their time and their lives to keep you safe. whether they are over seas, or in the Fire or Police station down the road.
at least for one day, when you hear sirens, stop bitching about someone getting a ticket, or the traffic backing up and just take a moment to be thankful that those sirens are going to save someone's life. Be thankful that those sirens are there, and will be there, when you need them.

on that note: where ever you are in the country please vote for your local EMS levy. as budget cuts are happening everywhere, EMS is being threatened. Would you rather have pretty flower pots in your parks, or a paramedic unit close enough to respond to your house in time to save your life. The decision is yours, and as EMS fails to get votes for funding, services to save your life and keep your community safe, are being cut.

As I go through my day tomorrow there will be many times that I stop and mourn for the loss of Fire Fighters,  Police, and other EMS workers. Please take just one minute out of your day to thank someone in EMS. We don't hear "Thank you" very often.

Honoring the men and women who died on September 11, 2001

Stay tuned for random rants from a Rasor. :)