Kadin has told me I should start writing again...it will help me process things. I have been hesitant to start because, as Anna Nalick so perfectly sang, "these words are my diaries screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to..." But today, I can't help but try to express what I am feeling. So my beginning is here, with September 11.
I know it has been many years, and some people are tired of hearing about it and talking about it. But for some of us, the memories are still crystal clear and hold more meaning than just "a terrorist attack".
If you have ever worked in emergency services, in any way, I'm preaching to the choir. Fire Fighters, EMT's, Law Enforcement, Emergency Management, Search and Rescue, the list goes on.
You have heard before that being a part of an EMS system is like a "brotherhood". I'm a woman who stands for equal opportunity, but there really IS NOT another word I can use that affectively catches the entire meaning. (sorry Mom)
It is more than family...family is not always there. Families become estranged. in EMS you don't have to like everyone or always agree, but there is a non-spoken rule of mutual respect. You will give your life for that person and you know they would give their life for you. There is more than loyalty, there is a strong connection that I can only describe as "brotherhood" A trust, an understanding. We have seen the very worst in people, and the very best in people, and still make the commitment to run into collapsing buildings for people we have never met.
Losing a family member is very hard...
Losing someone from the "brotherhood", even someone you've never met, is devastating in a way that you will never understand unless you have been in it.
Every year at this time, my husband watches me mourn. He tries to be sympathetic and understanding, but he and I both know he does not entirely understand why it still hits me so hard. He's heard many stories about the crazy situations and experiences I've had in EMS. He is always amazed by the stories, but he has never put his life into someone else's hands or had to keep the scum of the earth alive to make it to a hospital.
Where were you when the towers were hit? What was your first thought? For most people, they remember exactly where they were and what they were doing. Everyone was devastated at the attack and the loss of life. A friend told me later that her first thought was that she wished it was not real. Then she was sad about the people jumping out of windows. She couldn't turn her T.V. off, but she didn't want to see it anymore either.
My first thought, within seconds of watching, was "okay, get packed and get there. NOW." As the second tower collapsed right after more EMS workers went in, my heart stopped. Just for a moment I froze in the realization that my brothers (and sisters) needed me. I didn't think about it being unsafe and too many lives had already be lost, don't put yourself in harms way. (to my Emergency Response Students: I know I teach in my class not to go in if it is not safe, and 1 dead body is better than 2. I'm sorry for the hypocrisy) I thought "they are even more short staffed now, I can't let them do this alone."
After all these years the heartbreak is still there. Painfully clear.
I don't blame any of them for running into the building. They not only did their jobs, but they did so without hesitation. They saw there were still people that needed help, and they were willing to die to try and get to them. My blame, my anger, goes towards those people that have tainted the reputations and memories of those heroes. I don't care about your conspiracy theories and your opinions on Darwinism, these people would have survived longer than any of you in a world of Darwinism. They might have just kept your ass alive too. I don't care if you think aliens attacked us. When the world stopped turning, those heroes picked up the pace and worked to help as many people as possible, and to take away from that fact with stupid theories and conspiracies is unforgivable.
On September 11, 2001 every person who has worked in EMS felt a terrible loss, a piece of them died. you may not understand, but try to respect that loss.
Honor those around you who give their time and their lives to keep you safe. whether they are over seas, or in the Fire or Police station down the road.
at least for one day, when you hear sirens, stop bitching about someone getting a ticket, or the traffic backing up and just take a moment to be thankful that those sirens are going to save someone's life. Be thankful that those sirens are there, and will be there, when you need them.
on that note: where ever you are in the country please vote for your local EMS levy. as budget cuts are happening everywhere, EMS is being threatened. Would you rather have pretty flower pots in your parks, or a paramedic unit close enough to respond to your house in time to save your life. The decision is yours, and as EMS fails to get votes for funding, services to save your life and keep your community safe, are being cut.
As I go through my day tomorrow there will be many times that I stop and mourn for the loss of Fire Fighters, Police, and other EMS workers. Please take just one minute out of your day to thank someone in EMS. We don't hear "Thank you" very often.
Honoring the men and women who died on September 11, 2001
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